College FUN'd

A recent Macleans article stated 32 per cent of Canadians said their retirement would be partially funded by a lottery win. I, of course, put that Macleans magazine in a vacuum sealed bag, where I will store it for 30 years until it becomes valuable. When I finally do remove it from storage, I'll chuckle at all those dummies waiting for their LottoMax win.

Here is a list of other items which will pay for my retirement:
- Dungeons & Dragons action figures, including a Shambling Mound(TM),
- a box of comics, including the complete run of Power Pack,
- one silver suit, one purple shiny shirt, and one purple sock tie, worn to a Grade 9 dance.

Wait. What was that? Okay, my wife has just informed me that the silver suit has been donated to Goodwill. Good job, honey! Some hobo is cruising in the Mediterranean right now!

To be perfectly frank, I'm still mad at my parents for allowing me to open my toys. I would not have to work right now if I had all my Micronauts in their original cases. Which brings me to the point of this post: my son's college fund. We keep it in a plastic container in the basement marked "Broken Glass and Poison" (to deter and confuse any would-be robbers).

The college fund contains: Two mint condition Darth Maul figures (with a commtech(TM) chip so Darth Maul can yell at you if you tease him about his tribal tattoos!); One slightly melted bar of Fight Club soap, obtained from a screening of said movie; One sealed Pokeball from a McDonald's happy meal (I hope its you, Charizard!!!); One wind-up elephant from the Disney movie Tarzan, again, from a McDonald's happy meal.

I know what you are thinking and I totally agree. I'm too heavily invested in McDonald's products. I had a Burger King cardboard crown in the collection, but it was damaged when the Fight Club soap melted. Note to investors: do not put your investments near a heating vent!

Oh, and I think I put $30 in RRSPs this year too. See you on the beach!