How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Mart

Revelation Chapters 6:12: "And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the two most unholiest of shoes were joinithed togetherith, forming a monstrosity which shall markith the feet of his dark army."

This picture was taken at Walmart, which many consider the evilest of stores. In this blog post, I'm going to try and convince you of something: Walmart isn't really that bad.

I watched a documentary about Walmart (I think it was "The High Cost of Low Price") and it made me not like Walmart. I didn't shop there for years and instead went to Zellers or Superstore. After a few years of pain and suffering, I changed my mind.

Zellers is that absolute worst store in the world for customer service. I have left my basket (full of stuff) and walked out of Zellers more than any other store I've been to. These people just do not want my money.

Question: How many idiot cashiers does it take to determine the price of a can of beans? Answer: It is actually a trick question. It takes three of them, milling about, to figure out they need to call a manager to come over and answer it. When the line-up goes back into the housewares section, it is time to get off your cell phone and open another till.

Many Zellers have self check-outs, which are awesome because 4 tills can be watched by one person, but they never use them. Instead, they have gone to the committee-of-three cashiers model because apparently they only hire people with 1/3rd of a brain. Cashiers are the one place where you want an abundance of staff, because that is where money changes hands.

The other day at Safeway, I tried to buy a chocolate bar and the scanner wasn't recognizing it. The cashier asked a bagboy to go check the price, and I said forget it. The cashier said to me, "Can I offer you the chocolate bar for 50 cents?" Impressive customer service.

Which brings me to Walmart. That store is a joy to go to. The aisles are wide, the staff are friendly, and they get you through those tills fast. There are always dozens of cashiers on.

I'm going to try and read your mind. Right now you are saying:
"But Walmart destroys mom and pop stores."
"Walmart treats its employees bad and bust unions."
"They keep prices too low." What?

Mom and pop stores suck. There, I said it. My wife worked retail for years. Small business owners are crappy to their employees. Here's an actual conversation:

• "So, there will be a staff meeting on Sunday for 1 hour after the store closes."
• "You know that you have to pay everyone a minimum of 3 hours, right?"
• "What?"
• "That's the law."
• "I've never heard of that. I'll tell you what, I'll make it 45 minutes, and I'll bring it cookies."
• "You can bring in anything you want, but you have to pay us for 3 hours."

My wife was never invited to a staff meeting again. You think Walmart can pull that sh!t?

I remember when I worked for Dairy Queen back in GP, the owner used to get some of us guys to go over and mow his lawn and do general yardwork -- during work hours. There is no way that is legal. The mythical mom and pop don't exist -- all business owners are dicks.

The advantage to mom'n'pop stores is that mom and pop will spend money in the community and not ship it back to corporate headquarters, or to foreign shareholders. This is one of the best arguments against Walmart. Unfortunately, it doesn't carry the weight on we look into it.

Let's take the Croc-o-pedic shoes in the photo above. Let's say they cost $10 at Walmart, which can be broken down into:

• $5 - wholesale cost of shoes, which goes to some Chinese manufacturer
• $2 - wages to employees
• $2 - overhead like rent and power
• $1 - profit to head office and/or shareholders

The problem with mom'n'pop stores is they buy the same stuff from China, but they don't have the clout to get them to lower their prices. So you get the same foam-a-geddon shoe, but its more expensive, say $15.

• $7 - again, wholesale to China
• $4 - wages (assuming mom'n'pop are better to their employees)
• $4 - overhead (because they have a smaller store that is not in some industrial park, so the relative cost is higher)

So in this example, buying your mac-goofy-shoes at Walmart causes $6 to leave the community, while buying them at mom'n'pops pulls $7 out of the community. This is just ignoring the fact you spent more of your hard earned money on the shoes. The only time that mom'n'pop stores have an advantage is when they are selling locally made products. In that case, I fully support local businesses. But if you are buying Chinese-made shiny crap, then buying from mom'n'pops is just throwing your money away.

Note: I have nothing against Chinese products. They are awesome. But America really screwed up. You know the expression, "A capitalist will sell you the rope to hang him"? In the pursuit of short-term profits, they outsourced all their knowledge. So now, there is really nothing China can't make. I for one, will welcome our Chinese overlords.

On a final note, the reason these fitness shoes alegedly work is they make it more difficult to keep your balance and walk, so you have to work harder and therefore burn calories and tone your muscles. I see elderly people wearing these and I think, What the hell are you doing, this is going to make you more likely to fall. I guess you'll lose a bunch of weight when you are in the hospital with a broken hip.

Tune in next time when we open the Seventh Seal of the Apocalypse!